I honestly hope you get hemorrhoids and a wicked month-long case of massive constipation. And crabs. I hope your bladder shrinks to the size of a sunflower seed, and you’re constantly thirsty. I hope you step on a lego every time you get up in the middle of the night to go pee. I hope you hit “reply all” the next time you’re sending smut via e-mail. I hope every new TV series you like gets cancelled after the first season, and you’re never able to find the last book in that trilogy with the massive cliffhanger at the end of book two. I hope every serving of your favorite beverage tastes vaguely of soap, and I wish you Justin Bieber earworms for as long as you shall live.
Also, may all your bacon burn.
Now, off you fuck.
Originally posted elsewhere, October 27, 2014